The Arctic Expedition Consequence
by starfish001
Summary: Alternate scene from The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation with refs to Bath Item Gift Hypothesis, so may be spoilers. Sheldon gets his revenge on Leonard. M for rudeness and swears. Now complete with epilogue.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: An alternate, and highly unlikely alternative scene from The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation (which I have only seen clips from). Sheldon is probably very OOC here, but I'm choosing to put it down to his severe emotional distress :o)

* * *

Penny watched Sheldon sob quietly. Her attempts to make him feel better had so far just made things worse, so she decided to try again later. She needed to talk to Leonard, anyway. She wasn't sure what had gone on over there, but what she had heard so far had not impressed her. Nor had his reaction to Sheldon's distress.

"Ok, sweetie. I'm gonna go, cause I don't wanna make this any worse for you. Ok?" He didn't answer, so she stood and headed for the door. She was reaching for the handle when she heard movement behind her.

"Penny?" Sheldon was getting off the bed. He stood in front of her. "Thank you. For trying to make me feel better." He moved towards her uncertainly, then gentle encircled his arms around her.

"Aww, it's ok sweetie." She wrapped her arms around him and laid them flat on his back. She expected him to pull away quickly, but instead he pulled her closer to him, pressing her tightly against his chest. She could feel the heat of him through his shirts, and suddenly things felt…different. More different still when she felt one of his hands move to her hair, his fingers weaving into it and gently cupping the back of her head. It felt good though, and she shut her eyes, allowed herself to relax into his arms more. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she suddenly decided she wanted to find out. Leonard's image flashed briefly into her head, and with it a burst of anger at him. If he could treat his best friend like that, how would he treat _her_? She wasn't sure hooking up with Sheldon was going to go anywhere, but equally she didn't like Leonard very much right now and anyway, Sheldon's lips had found her neck and oh my _God_, that felt amazing…

She let out a sigh and moved her hand to his hair, grabbing a tuft and tugging gently. Sheldon lifted his mouth from her neck and pulled back, just far enough to meet her gaze. His eyes were huge and his lips moist and parted slightly. She stood on her tiptoes and pulled his head down, crushing his lips to hers. He steadied her with the hand on her back, then drove her backwards to the door, pressing her against it.

It was as though all the stress and frustration of the last few months was consuming her, and she was releasing it on Sheldon. She felt his hand move to her ass and her lifted her; she wrapped her legs against his waist and felt him groan as she ground against his hardening cock. Feeling him press against her was almost overwhelming; it meant more to her getting this reaction from Sheldon Cooper than it had any other man she had been with.

He stopped kissing her and suddenly the straps of both her top and her bra were being pulled down, leaving her breasts exposed. For a second he just looked at her, consumed with both incredible lust and yet surprise that she, Penny, was allowing him to do this. Then his mouth was on hers again, kissing her with a renewed intensity as his hand moved to her breast; cupping gently first but then kneading and teasing as his passion increased. He ground himself against her and moaned into her mouth; she pushed back against him and gasped.

"_Sheldon_. _Bed_."

He pulled away from her and hauled off his t shirts and pants in one swift movement, while she tugged off her top and bra and wriggled out of her jeans. She lay back on the bed, watching him as his eyes moved down the length of her exposed body. She could see his appreciation, both in his face and his twitching cock. He lay down next to her, facing her, and traced his fingers over the hills and valleys of her flesh from her inner thigh to her neck. She closed her eyes to savour the sensation, and when she opened them again he was cupping her face, his eyes fixed on hers. Her breath was coming out in gasps.

"_Please, Sheldon…"_

As if waiting for the invitation, he was on top of her, kissing her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, could feel him hard against her leg. She shifted position slightly to help him, and then he was pushing inside her. He seemed to move in slow motion; she felt every nerve ending fire, every tiny movement burning with incomprehensibly pleasure. She couldn't bear his patience any more and suddenly bucked her hips, burying him deep inside her. The resulting noise he made was so erotic, she thought she might come there and then.

"_Oh God, Penny…" _he muttered into her mouth. He had frozen, seemed afraid to abruptly remembered that despite his apparent aptitude for sex, Sheldon was actually a virgin. So she took charge. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she pulled his ear close to her mouth and whispered _"Sheldon. Fuck me. Now." _He did as he was told, pulling out almost completely before burying himself deep inside her again. He started slowly but it was clear neither of them could stand it for very long, and with her nails in his back urging him on he thrust harder and faster until the entire bed was rocking in tandem with them. Penny came first, harder than she had ever come in her life, and sank her teeth into his shoulder to stop herself screaming out. Sheldon slammed into her one last time and let out a strangled cry, burying his face in her neck.

After a minute, Sheldon rolled off her. For a while they lay there, neither speaking. Penny's head was spinning in confusion. Sheldon looked like he was lost in his thoughts, and she wondered how far the sex had gone towards distracting him from his original concerns.

From the living room, there was the sound of the front door opening. "Shit!" Penny jumped up and grabbed her clothes, pulling them on quickly as Sheldon slowly gathered his up. He moved almost leisurely. She could hear Leonard's voice calling out.

"Penny?!"

"Shitshitshit, Sheldon, hurry up!" He pulled on his tops just as Leonard knocked on the door.

"Penny? You in there?"

She checked about quickly for evidence of what had just gone on and, finding none, opened the door. "Yeah, hey. I'm here." She pushed past him. "I think I'm gonna have a lie down for a bit. I'm pretty tired."

Leonard looked at her, confused. "Er, ok. I'll see you later, I guess?"

Penny made a vaguely noncommittal noise. "I guess." She looked past him to where Sheldon was still standing in the bedroom. "Bye, Sheldon. I hope you feel better soon." He nodded at her and she left, head still spinning.

Leonard watched her go, then turned to his friend. "Erm, what happened there?"

Sheldon shrugged. As he did, Leonard noticed a mark on his shoulder.

He had a brief moment of wondering where the hell his best friend had managed to get a bite mark at the arctic, when it clicked into place. He looked at where Penny had just been stood; took in the imperfectly made bed, Sheldon's rumpled clothes. He suddenly felt like he'd been punched.

His voice was hoarse. "Sheldon, where did you get that bite mark?"

Sheldon looked him dead in the eye.

"Oh, that?" He walked up to Leonard, stood almost toe-to-toe with him.

"That was from Penny. What was the phrase she used, let me see…"

Leonard swallowed hard as Sheldon leaned close to his ear.

"Oh yes, I believe it was '_Sheldon. Fuck me. Now.'" _He stepped back and paused to let the implication sink in.

Leonard felt sick. Two years chasing Penny, then literally on the verge of finally catching her, _this_. Part of him didn't want to know the answer, but he couldn't stop himself from asking.

"_Did you?"_

Sheldon sighed and narrowed his eyes. "Oh Leonard. _Of course I did_."

He walked out of the room past Leonard, who had slumped, broken, against the door frame, then turned and paused.

"But hey. Don't worry about it_. _I mean, it's not a big deal_. Right_?"

And he smiled.

* * *

Hey, revenge is best served cold, right?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This isn't really a new chapter, just an exploration of Sheldon's possible motivations during the last one...

* * *

"Ok, sweetie. I'm gonna go, cause I don't wanna make this any worse for you. Ok?"

Sheldon felt Penny get up from the bed. _His_ bed, that she had just came in and sat down on. He tried to remember why he hadn't objected.

The movement sent a waft of something citrus scented in his direction. It reminded him of Christmas; the Leonard Nimoy napkin and the baskets of bath stuff he had given her. It reminded him of their shared hug. He realised suddenly that she had been trying to help him and he had been so wrapped up in his own pain that he had responded… inappropriately. Yet again.

"Penny?"

He made it off the bed as she was reaching the door. She looked at him expectantly. "Thank you. For trying to make me feel better." He had a brief moment of doubt, but saw the smile flash across her face and gingerly put his arms around her. He felt her hands on his back; motionless at first as she waited for a reaction from him, then moving soothingly as she realised he wasn't pulling away. He knew the cavernous pain in his chest was caused by emotion; a psychosomatic reaction to his distress. He didn't know why hugging Penny made the pain recede. He gripped her harder, pulling her to him, and felt it melt away to a dull memory.

He felt her relax against him, and abruptly became aware of how close she was. Her breasts were pushing against his chest and he felt something unfamiliar stir inside him. Then his hand was burying itself in her hair, seemingly of its own accord, and she still wasn't pulling away. He tried to analyse the situation, interpret it, but he realised he had become a victim of his own primitive biological urges.

_He wanted her._

What was more incredible was that she seemed to want him too. She was breathing harder now, and he hovered uncertainly for a moment, considering whether to take the next step. A small voice in his head urged him to think of the consequences, and he debated himself for a second before resolutely ignoring it. Then his apparently autonomous hand was stroking her hair away from her neck, exposing it invitingly, and he pressed his lips to the bare flesh. Penny made a small noise deep in her throat and any remaining reservations vanished.

Everything happened quickly after that. Her hands were in his hair, directing him, and when she moved herself against him he lost the capacity for rational thought. He gave himself over to his urges, and revelled in the responses they elicited from the beautiful woman beneath him. It was only when he was inside her that he seemingly returned to himself; the incredible feeling of being immersed completely. He froze, unable to comprehend how they had got here, and the thought suddenly hit him; _this was what she was going to do with Leonard_.

"_Oh God, Penny…"_

Leonard, the man who had orchestrated his humiliation.

He didn't feel sad anymore. He felt _angry_.

"_Sheldon. Fuck me. Now."_

The words made him feel powerful and terrible at the same time. He would probably never get to be with Penny like this again, and it was because of _Leonard_.

He could feel Penny moving beneath him, urging him on. Suddenly it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

He fucked her with everything he had, pouring all of his hurt and frustration and humiliation into the act. She bit him hard when she came and he relished the pain, letting it drive him on. Then he was exploding inside of her, the intensity of the feeling overwhelming him as he cried out.

Afterwards, he felt spent. The surge of emotions he had felt had ebbed away; he was left with confusion. He watched Penny as she caught her breath, a crushing feeling of tenderness flooding him. He understood now how he thought Leonard must feel towards her, and he suddenly felt guilty. He examined his motives for seducing Penny (_not that she had put up any resistance_, his psyche reminded him) but found them honourable. Revenge had not played a part. He mentally apologised to Leonard; he was sure there was a social convention that dictated you should not sleep with your best friend's girlfriend immediately before the successful culmination of two years worth of seduction.

_(Maybe, but he deserved it)_

He was running through these thoughts when he heard the front door open.

"Penny?!" he heard Leonard shouting. Something niggled at Sheldon's brain. He watched as Penny jumped up, started panicking. He slowly started pulling on his clothes, distracted.

"Penny? You in there?"

There it was again. Something was irritating him about the situation. He watched as Penny opened the door to Leonard.

Who completely ignored him.

Sheldon suddenly realized what was pissing him off.

The last time Leonard had seen him, he had been upset and stormed out of Penny's apartment. Now, here he was, _in Sheldon's doorway_, looking for _Penny_. He hadn't come over because he was worried, or wanted to apologize. He had come because he wanted to find Penny, no doubt with the intention to pick up where they left off.

Sheldon felt the rage building inside him again. Leonard – the man who had hurt and humiliated him and who clearly didn't give a damn - had come here for _Penny_. He didn't know which aspect of that thought made him feel worse, but watching her leave, he felt a pang of jealousy.

He looked at Leonard, who was clearly still not concerned with anything other than getting laid.

"Erm, what happened there?" He looked confused. Sheldon shrugged, felt a twitch of pain in his shoulder, and watched as Leonard's face gradually changed.

Oh. Interesting…

"Sheldon, where did you get that bite mark?" The look on Leonard's face was almost comical.

He weighed the odds of ever getting to be with Penny again, and found them slim. _Well, if he couldn't have her…_

Ignoring the voice screaming at him in his head (_if you do this nothing will __**ever**__ be the same again) _he made a decision.

_He might not have slept with Penny for revenge, but by God he could use it_.

He felt a rush of exhilaration.

"Oh, that?" he paused. "That was from Penny. What was the phrase she used, let me see…"

He stood close and bent down, using his height to its full potential, determined to go for maximum impact.

"Oh yes, I believe it was '_Sheldon. Fuck me. Now.'" _Speaking her words, he felt a heady combination of delight and terror at the destruction of the man who had destroyed him.

"_Did you?"_

Leonard was deathly pale, but Sheldon felt unable to stop even if he wanted to. He paused, for maximum devastating effect, then narrowed his eyes and sighed.

"Oh Leonard. _Of course I did_."

The feeling was exquisite.

He went to leave, moving past Leonard who was slumped against the door frame looking sick, then had a thought and stopped. He eyed his best friend, remembering the casual dismissal of his hurt and anger, and chose his words.

"But hey. Don't worry about it_. _I mean, it's not a big deal_. Right_?"

He smiled.

And tried not to think about Penny's reaction when she found out.

* * *

A/N: Ok, anyone think I should have made him totally evil and had him plan it all from the start? I was considering it. I might just write it for fun…


	3. Chapter 3

Penny stood under the pounding water until it ran cold. She had gone straight to the shower from the guys' apartment, moving on autopilot, not allowing herself to think. She had stayed there as the aches in her muscles slowly eased, before climbing into her sweats, and, ignoring the daylight glinting through the drapes, lay down on the bed.

Only then did she permit herself to entertain the images that wanted to replay themselves seemingly over and over.

_Sheldon on the bed, crying. Sheldon in her arms. Sheldon's face, filled with lust, huge blue eyes boring into hers._

And then, interspersed; Leonard's face, filled with pleasure at seeing her again after three long months.

Her pillow felt damp, and she realised she had been crying.

_Way to go, girl. You've done some stupid shit before, but __**this**__…this is a whole new level of dumb._

Oh God. How _the fuck_ was she going to tell Leonard?

There was a hammering on her door. Her stomach plummeted a thousand feet and simultaneously threw bile into her throat. It was an _angry_ knock. Leonard had apparently put two and two together.

_Well, that's one problem solved_.

She felt bad at her relief, but picturing the look on his face when he found out had been making her feel sick.

She lay for a moment, wanting to postpone the inevitable confrontation, but she heard the door open anyway. A spark of irritation flew through her; couldn't he tell she didn't want to talk right now? It was immediately quashed by a swell of guilt, and she screwed her eyes shut, trying to drive the images of Sheldon out of her head.

She really had no right to be angry with Leonard right now.

She kept her eyes closed as she heard him appear in the doorway behind her. He was breathing hard, but didn't speak. Instead, he came over and sat on the bed next to her.

He sat for a long moment, then cleared his throat; she felt her body tense.

"You slept with Sheldon." He paused. "You slept with my best friend, while I was waiting for you here."

It was a statement, not a question, spoken softly. She could hear the break in his voice, and her heart broke a little in return. She hadn't felt so confused about a guy since...well. Ever, really. Even when Kurt was being an ass, she still knew she loved him. That had been the problem.

But inside, she wondered which guy she was really confused about. Sure, she had been pissed at Leonard; but cheating just wasn't her thing. God knows, she had put up with much worse behaviour from guys in the past, and none of it had led to anything like this. She usually just crashed with a bottle of hard liquor.

An insistent voice in her head was whispering that it wasn't actually cheating, since nothing had really happened between her and Leonard yet. But an emotional betrayal? Yeah, probably. Hell, _definitely_.

And she had a horrible, horrible feeling that Leonard's actions had just been her excuse. Was it an excuse she had been waiting for, she wondered?

What had happened with Sheldon hadn't been planned, but contrary to popular belief, she didn't sleep with just anyone. She had to be attracted to the guy. Case in point: Howard Wolowitz.

She had been so busy stressing over Leonard, she hadn't realised that under all the drama she was developing…_something_…for his best friend.

The whole three months they had been away, she had thought of Leonard. It was who she was _supposed_ to be thinking of. Any other thoughts had been immediately suppressed, because it was Leonard who wanted her, Leonard who had been lusting after her for two years. And she did miss him…but in the same way she missed her family. The passion wasn't there, no matter how much she willed it to be.

The passion with Sheldon had been undeniable.

She felt more tears trickle down her face. Her head was completely messed up. She needed perspective. But first, she needed to apologise to Leonard.

He was still waiting for her response. She sat up and turned to face him, and was momentarily stunned to see how awful he looked. The look on his face implied he was thinking the same of her. She certainly _felt_ blotchy.

"I'm so sorry, Leonard. I really am. It shouldn't have happened, and I don't even know how it did…" It came out whispered, her voice croaky.

He looked suddenly like he was deflating, and she wondered if he had been hoping for a denial.

He cleared his throat. "Ok. Alright. But, what does that mean, for…erm. For us?"

She looked at him, confused. Did he still want her? She had assumed that this would be too much for him to deal with, that he wouldn't want to date her anymore. She realised she had been happy with the assumption; she wouldn't have to make any decisions. Now his question forced her to confront her own feelings on the matter. And to hurt him again. A few hours ago, and she would have settled for a relationship with him. And that's what it would have been; settling. For second best. Now, she might have another option, one she never could have imagined before. Now, even if it wasn't an option – even if she couldn't be with Sheldon - she still couldn't go back.

"I think it means…maybe we shouldn't be together. Don't you think?"

He suddenly looked angry. "Just, tell me why. Why him? What the hell has he got that I haven't? He's not even interested in you! He only used you to get back at me!"

That made _her_ angry. She didn't know if the implied insult had been intended, but it was certainly picked up on. "What? Why wouldn't he be interested in me? And what do you mean he 'used' me? How the hell would you know?"

She only realised afterwards that her angry reaction betrayed the fact that she cared what Sheldon thought of her.

Leonard obviously picked up on the fact, and narrowed his eyes at her. "He told me, Penny! He told me exactly what you said. While you were…_fucking_ him. He wanted me to know."

She froze, blanched. "What did he say?" she asked faintly.

Leonard looked down, embarrassed, but then met her eyes determinedly. "He said you begged him to fuck you." His expression revealed his distaste and he searched her face for a response, but it was blank. She felt stunned. Sheldon had told him that?

"Did you, Penny?"

She shut her eyes briefly, unable to look at him.

"Do you really want me to answer that, Leonard?"

He sat, frozen, for a minute before standing and walking to the door. Before he left he turned to look at her again, his face inscrutable. But his final word, uttered with a quiet absence of emotion, conveyed his feelings perfectly.

"_Slut."_

* * *

A/N: I'm not sure about this one. Felt a bit...confused. But then so was Penny :o) Can other people imagine Leonard being this bitchy or is it just me?


	4. Chapter 4

"_Slut."_

Penny reeled. The word had been visceral; the blow almost physical in its effect. The rational part of her mind tried to throw a calming blanket over the fire of rage it had ignited.

_He was hurt. He didn't mean it. He just wanted to make you feel as bad as he does._

All very good points, she thought, but realised she didn't give a _fuck_; Leonard Hofstadter was going to be getting a few painful home truths.

And then…then she was gonna have a little chat with Sheldon._ Junior Rodeo style_.

…

She didn't stop to knock at the door to 4A, just barrelled right on through.

"Leonard! Where the hell are you?"

She stopped suddenly at the sight before her. Leonard was stood inches from Sheldon, his face red as he ranted. Sheldon stood impassive; jaw set, arms folded, looking down at the shorter man.

She slammed the door behind her and they turned as one to face her.

She focussed on Leonard and something in her face must have tipped him off as to how the next few minutes were going to go, 'cause he suddenly seemed much less sure of himself. She walked towards him and felt a small twinge of satisfaction as he tried not to back away.

"You! You come into my bedroom, _uninvited_, and call me a slut?! How _dare_ you!"

Sheldon whipped around to face Leonard. "You called her a _what_?"

Penny turned on Sheldon, eyes dark. "And you can stay the hell outta this, mister, because you and me are gonna be having some _serious_ words later." He shut his mouth suddenly and looked pale. Leonard smirked, then stopped quickly when he realised Penny hadn't finished with him.

"I can't believe you, Leonard! Yes, I screwed up. I screwed up big. And I am really, _really_ sorry. But you are _not_ innocent in all of this and you can't keep pretending you are. You treat Sheldon horribly! Even I know his work is the most important thing in his life, and you _ruined_ it for him and humiliated him in front of everyone. That is seriously outta line, Leonard, and you didn't even care... all you were bothered about was screwing me."

She took a breath, then continued, ignoring his stunned expression and gaping mouth. "Don't bother trying to deny it. Oh, and the '_poor me I'm so upset'_ thing? Yeah, more believable if you actually cared for me, and didn't just wanna get into my pants." She looked at his face as he started to protest, and carried on. "Oh, I have no doubt you _think_ you care. But honestly Leonard, I'm not convinced. Remember when Alicia moved in and you basically dropped me for her? It was like you turned into Wolowitz or something! You may be smart, but as far as I can see, you've been treating me exactly the same as all the other jerks I've gone for. I just didn't see it before, cause I actually thought you were different, but after this? I still wanna be your friend, Leonard. But we should _not_ be dating."

She sighed, her anger dissipating slightly, a hint of resignation entering her voice.

"Face it, Leonard. I didn't hurt _you_. I hurt your pride. And your stupid ego."

He looked like he was going to argue with her, but she turned, dismissing him. Instead, she focussed on Sheldon. He was looking at her uncertainly. He had showered and changed his clothes, she realised with a pang. _Of course he had; he's Sheldon, _her brain helpfully supplied. She shut her eyes briefly, then opened them once she had steeled herself to meet his gaze.

"Could we talk in private?" she asked curtly. Sheldon nodded, replied hesitantly; "Would my bedroom be sufficient?"

From the corner of her eye she saw Leonard open his mouth to protest and she whipped her head round, pointed at him. "Don't. You. Dare!" She gave him a glare that could shatter glass and he flopped onto the couch as if his strings had been cut.

"Yes, Sheldon, it would be sufficient. Come on." She glanced back at Leonard over her shoulder as they left. He appeared to be sulking.

She followed him into his bedroom, thought how different it felt this time. His betrayal was a lump in her belly.

He had changed the sheets, too. Despite her brains insistence, in her current state it just smacked of him trying to remove all trace of her.

She eyed him as he stood before her, his arms crossed as he waited expectantly. The thought occurred that he had filled out a bit since she had first met him; his sleeves were pushed up to reveal his forearms, which seemed bigger, and his t-shirts looked to fit better. If she wasn't so goddamn _angry_ at him, she might have found it sexy.

She sighed, and shook her head slightly. Her voice came out as a near-whisper. "Sheldon. What the _hell_?"

He tilted his head at her. "Penny, I'm sorry but you're going to have to be more specific."

She exploded. "Specific, Sheldon?! Freaking _specific_?! You mean you don't even realise what you've done? Oh my God, how can you be so goddamn _dense_?" She made a frustrated noise, ran a hand through her hair. "You _used_ me, Sheldon. You slept with me to get back at Leonard, then you humiliated me by telling him really personal stuff! Is that _specific_ enough?"

He took a half step back as the intensity of her outburst took her into his personal space. He waited until he was sure she had finished before responding.

"Oh....well then. I'm sorry."

She looked at him, momentarily speechless. "You're 'sorry'? That's it?"

"Well, no. I'm sorry you appear to believe that I 'used' you. Certainly that wasn't my intention. At the time, I was merely following what presented as a biological imperative."

She looked at him, blankly. "_What?_"

He sighed, looked vaguely irritated at her failure to understand. "Penny, I slept with you because I felt attracted to you and because I wanted to. No other reason."

She felt the lump in her stomach ease a fraction. "Oh. Well, good."

"I can assure you, Leonard didn't enter my mind until at least half way through."

Penny shook her head to get rid of the images the statement conjured. "Why the hell was Leonard even in your head at all, Sheldon? We were having _sex_, was that not interesting enough for you? Were you doing equations on your imaginary whiteboard again, too?"

He scowled at her. "No. On the contrary, Penny, it was a very interesting experience." _Gee, thanks_, she thought. "Leonard was only there because I suddenly became aware that…well. That I didn't find the notion of you having intercourse with him… agreeable."

She took a second to translate it, and then another to digest it.

He had been jealous.

That…that could explain a _lot_.

"Sheldon…is that why you told him what had gone on between us? Because you were _jealous_?"

"Well, yes."

"And not because you wanted revenge for the stunt he pulled at the arctic?"

He looked uncomfortable for a minute. "Well, that was a mostly unintended but admittedly highly satisfying consequence."

She smirked at his discomfort. "So revenge too, huh. Isn't that a little beneath the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper?"

He scowled again. "Well I would also have considered myself above the notion of experiencing jealousy over a female, but it looks like I'm learning a lot today now, doesn't it?" He tilted his head with the question, and she briefly thought _who says he can't do sarcasm?_

"Huh. Clearly Homo Novus has some more evolving to do." Penny glared at him, but realised that it was impossible to stay mad with him for long now she knew his motivation. She felt a little lightheaded; in the space of three minutes he had admitted to finding her attractive, wanting to have sex with her and getting jealous over her. It was turning into an eventful day. She thought back to Leonard, waiting in the other room, and blushed when she thought about what Sheldon had told him about her.

She couldn't let him off that easily. She fixed him with a stare.

"I think you have one more thing to learn here, Sheldon, and it's not going to be pretty." She advanced towards him until he couldn't retreat any further. "You see, what a lady says in the bedroom – particularly when she's not being much of a lady – should remain between her and her incredibly lucky partner. Do you understand?"

He looked at her, and frowned. "Well, I suppose I accept your premise, although I was under the impression that Leonard would be finding out just how _unladylike_ you were very shortly anyw…arghh!" he stopped suddenly as he felt her fingers wrap themselves around his testicles through his pants. "Wrong answer, Sheldon."

His face froze. Penny _twisted_.

"_Now_ do you understand?" she smiled sweetly.

"Yes! Yes!" his voice had hit an octave she didn't know he had. She grinned and let go.

"Good. And sweetie?" He looked up at her, wincing as he clutched his swollen genitals, and she planted a soft kiss on his lips.

_"I'll be over later to show you just how unladylike I can be."_


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue

"Dude, stop staring! You're like her freaky stalker or something!"

Leonard was dragged out of his internal reverie by Raj whispering furiously in his ear. He threw one last glance at the pair bickering in the kitchen and hauled himself back to reality. Howard was looking at him expectantly.

"Sooo? Did Penny finally let you…y'know… _batter dip the corn dog_?" he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Leonard scowled, and caught himself as his gaze tried to wander back over to her and Sheldon. He had calmed down a lot since Penny had metaphorically kicked his ass; he had tried to defend himself but deep inside he could kinda see her point. He just would never admit it. Seeing her and Sheldon together he could see something; they had a chemistry he and her had never quite managed. It irritated him, but the more he thought about it, the more he could see that that was more due to the dents in his ever shrinking ego than any deep feelings for Penny.

He sighed. He knew they had spent a couple of nights together, but the only way he could handle it was by adopting a strict 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. The news would have to come out sooner or later though, he guessed.

"Actually, it kinda didn't work out like that…" he trailed off.

Howard winced. "Ouch. But it's no big deal…hell, the pressure gets to us all like that sometimes. I mean, you guys had a hell of a build up, it's no surprise the little fella got stage fright…" He stopped when he noticed Leonard's glare.

"I did not get 'stage fright', Howard! In fact, if you must know…" with impeccable timing the volume on the TV suddenly dropped, and then he was speaking into silence…

"Penny is sleeping with Sheldon now instead!"

He snapped his mouth shut as the words echoed loudly around the apartment.

The pair in the kitchen whirled round as one to look at him. He stared at them defiantly. "Well, you are…"

Howard stared slack-jawed for a second, his mind obviously working overtime. "Let me get this straight; you didn't sleep with her, but _Sheldon did_?"

"Dude, you got cockblocked by Sheldon?!" Raj exclaimed, then clamped his hands over his mouth as he saw Penny throw him a glare.

There was silence for a second. Sheldon stole a quick glance at Penny then focussed on the worktop as he fidgeted with his glass of milk. "Would you care to handle this situation Penny? Because frankly I think anything I could say would just make things more uncomfortable for you."

"Uncomfortable for me?! Sweetie, you're the one who looks like you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar." She gave him a big grin and he scowled at her.

She turned back to the guys on the couch, who were watching in fascination. "Yes, Sheldon and I are in a relationship. And no, neither of us will be answering any questions about sex, so don't even ask." She looked at Howard pointedly. "Everyone understand?" They all nodded, including Sheldon. She batted him lightly with her hand. "Honey, it's ok, you're not included in that."

"Oh good…because I have a question…" She silenced him by sliding her arms around his waist and pressing a kiss against his lips, enjoying the astonished looks she got off the guys and the slight red tinge that crept across Sheldon's face.

"Save them for the bedroom, sweetie" she smiled.

"Oh. Alright" he replied lightly. After appearing to think for a second, he dipped his head and kissed her gently.

He heard the thump, and wondered briefly which of the guys had fallen off the couch. But then Penny did something with her tongue, and nothing else really seemed important anymore.


End file.
